Have you ever felt so overwhelmed by what life is chucking at you that you simply just throw your hands up and say “screw it I am done”? Well if you’ve been there, (which I am sure 90% of the human population has been at some point), then you know how I feel right this minute. 

I just turned 31 weeks today, and wow do I feel it. Tired, motivation at ground zero, and my body just wants to lie around and do nothing. I can’t afford to just do nothing, obviously, but that is what I wish I could do. So many people have told me to “enjoy my pregnancy”, as if I have had any time to really truly relish and enjoy it. There is always something that gets in the way of that. Always something. 

I guess it’s not completely true, that I haven’t had any time to enjoy my pregnancy. I have, but I haven’t really allowed myself to truly enjoy it. I have let the enemy toy with my brain, get me all worked up about the things I am not doing, and stress me out beyond all reason. When I moved back to Washington, I was well into my second trimester. By the time we found a house and got to Yelm, I was just entering my third trimester. Let me tell y’all… moving into a brand new house and area while 6 months (now 7 months) pregnant has been one of the HARDEST things I have ever had to do.

While Nick is away at work all day, I have to feed and take care of the animals, make the food, do the laundry, do the dishes, keep the house clean, feed myself and my unborn child, take care of myself, make new friends, AND on top of ALL that, unpack a TON of boxes in each room and create a new home entirely from scratch. Oh, and did I mention the baby registry and making up the baby room too? And that with this stupid time change it feels like its nighttime at 3pm? Lord Jesus have mercy. 

I definitely don’t mean to come on here and whine, moan, boob, and complain about my hardships to y’all. I am not so much complaining as I am just opening up about my personal struggles and how hard it has been to cope with SO much on my plate. I also know that so many people can relate to this feeling of just downright frustration and hopelessness. Overall, I actually feel really blessed. Blessed that I have a beautiful new home, so thankful for my baby and my pets, and so happy to make new connections here. But it definitely feels like I am drowning in it nine times out of ten. All the while I am thinking to myself (when I actually have time to think introspectively), “What is God trying to teach me during this season of life?” 

It’s been hard to pinpoint just what God is trying to teach me exactly. With how jumbled my brain is most of the time, it’s hard to remember anything these days which is why I resort to feelings of sheer frustration most of the time. But one thing is definitely for sure: God wants me to completely rely on him in my weakness.  

There is no doubt in my mind that God is with me during this time. He’s near to me, and urging me to come to him all the time. Sometimes I answer the call. Other times I give into feelings of stress and let myself run around with my head cut off. He sees me, he sees my child, and he knows just how I feel. But ultimately it’s my choice to either turn to him every day for sustenance and satisfaction, or not. It’s my choice, and therefore my fault when I don’t. No wonder I feel so overwhelmed when I don’t hand everything off to God first at the beginning of my day. 

It really is a day-to-day choice. Will you hand God all of your insecurities, feelings of hopelessness, chores, weariness, pain, and frustration… or will you take it all on yourself today? It’s also a day-to-day choice to feel the joy of his salvation every day. You’d think during the Christmas season it would be easier, but if anything it’s harder. You stress about decorations, about gifts to get people, about events to go to, about what family you are going to see, and God and the ultimate gift of Jesus gets completely thrown to the side. 

I think I am learning that the best thing to do each and every morning, especially right now, is to ask myself, “What can I hand over to God today? And how can I enjoy his salvation and feel that joy that only he can provide today regardless of my circumstances?” When I do this practice, it doesn’t necessarily guarantee a great outcome 100% of the time. Somedays are great, and I feel pretty good. Other days…not so much. But it’s the willing surrender and faith that is key. It’s looking up to God everyday and going, “God, I know you can help me today. I know you will. BUT. Even if you don’t, I won’t give up. I won’t stop pursuing you everyday. I am going to keep fighting.” 

This mantra came from a sermon I watched a guest speaker give at Manna church just yesterday, and in all honesty, it describes the Christian struggle so perfectly, which is to trust God in all things even when he doesn’t show up. God never says in the Bible that he is going to deliver you out of everything. But so many Christians lose sight of what our time here on Earth is all about. It’s about allowing God to use our weakness for his glory, even when it feels unbearable at times. Many make it about how God is supposed to serve their needs as a result of them choosing to be a Christian, and that just isn’t it. It’s not enough to just say you are a Christian. You have to actively pursue him, strive to be like him, and look for him in everything you do and in all circumstances. Those that take on the Christian label but have no intention of looking for him or following him will never experience the Kingdom of God. God will ultimately turn them away in the end. 

This idea of turning to him daily and surrendering everything over definitely convicts me. It makes me realize just how much I take into my own hands, and how often I shove God to the curb. And then I wonder why I am struggling. 

But like I said earlier, sometimes the struggle comes regardless. It’s how we react to the struggle that really matters. Do we keep taking it and giving it up to God no matter how hard it gets? Or do we close ourselves off and shake our fists at God and say “Fine I guess I’ll take it from here”? Your reaction really determines how much God can help you that day. 

For those of you who have made it this far, thank you so much for taking the time to read my jumbled thoughts. It truly means the world, and I know my words don’t go unnoticed. For those that are experiencing a similar feeling today of frustration, depression, and hopelessness, just know you aren’t alone. God sees you fully, and he is there to help you if you let him. BUT, even if you feel like God isn’t responding, don’t lose heart. He has you in this place for a reason, and you will ultimately come out better and stronger for it…if you allow yourself to make the best of it, and surrender everything to God daily. I love y’all, and look forward to coming on here next time and sharing some more personal updates soon! 😉