Hey y’all, wow I can’t believe we have been in Fort Rucker now for almost 3 months! Nick has been back from SERE (the intense survival course that I briefly mentioned in my last blog post) for a couple weeks now, and he is preparing himself for flight school which will start sometime in August. As for me, I have been looking for jobs, and trying to live the best life that I can. At the moment I am trying to get a job working for Young Life. I would be working with military teens and ministering to them as they struggle with the constant changes that the military life brings into their lives. I have been praying about it, and I hope that it is something that God has in my future!

In the meantime, I have been writing my gaming articles, trying to start a Twitch stream, taking care of my fur babies and plants, and meeting many new and amazing women. I have also been trying to improve my health, and spiritual life, which have both been tested quite a bit. But the job search has been especially challenging, and humbling for me. I feel as though God has been saying “no” to every job that I have tried to get, and it hurts.

For so long I have been taught to base my self-esteem on my accomplishments, my education, my job, and so many other things. It is honestly my default setting, and I know that I am not the only one who has been raised or conditioned in this way. In all fairness, I get it. If you want to be successful, then being productive, ambitious, having a prestigious education, and a great job does help. None of those things are bad by any means, but putting your everything in them can lead to some serious heartbreak and depression if you can’t meet the unreal expectations that you, and others have for yourself. I feel like I haven’t been meeting my expectations for a long time now, and its been very hard.

I have had to re-evaluate my life, and what really matters more times than I can count. I am still battling my default, worldly setting every day, and most of the time I let it get me down and overwhelm me. So much of the time, I feel so inept, ill-prepared, weak, and exhausted from every day life that I wonder if God has a plan for me at all. I look at others who have great jobs, children, and more energy, and I often wonder why that isn’t me. Comparison is what satan uses to put you in the pit of self-pity and despair, and keep you there. I experienced it to a whole new degree in London, and now even more so in many ways. Even though I know better than to compare myself to others, I do it subconsciously. Sometimes I realize what I am doing but other times, I just let it slide and let myself marinate in self-pity. It is an annoyingly easy thing to do.

But I know that God is teaching me to surrender, and look up to Him everyday. He has been teaching me and showing me that what really matters can not be found here on earth. All the things that I was taught to find my worth in, are worthless. Although I know this deep down, I know that I still really struggle with believing it because of how often the world tells you the opposite. For so long I have been trying to find my identity in a marriage, job, and a handful of other things, and I am so weary from constantly being disappointed when I can’t get the end result that I want. And you know whats even crazier? Even when some of those things are going well, I am still not content because its not enough to make me feel happy about myself. Its a constant inner struggle.

I know that I am not alone in this. I know that it is the human condition, and that its only temporary until Jesus comes back. But man, can it be challenging and humbling! God is teaching me so much patience, and self-discipline… two of my biggest struggles. He is teaching me how to let go of what the world deems important, and cling to Him first and foremost. My mindset is slowly but surely being changed from the inside out, and I can feel it. But I am fighting against it everyday, because of my default setting that is so hard to shake. Its SO easy to look around and immediately feel so worthless and less than, especially for me. But God says “No my child, I am doing a work in you that you can’t see. Wait for me to show it to you. I have a plan for your life, and it is one-of-a-kind.”

Some days I believe this, but most days my weaknesses get the best of me. My main goal right now is to master surrender to God, and wait in expectation for what He has for my life without any fear of feeling lesser than or worthless because I am not measuring up to the world’s, and my stupidly high expectations. God is so good, and He has a plan for me, and for you too, whether you believe it or not. Although it can be a really challenging struggle at times, God offers endless peace and comfort when I turn my gaze to Him, and His plan. Although His plan is wildly different than my plan, I know that what He has in store for me is going to be WAY better than what I imagined for myself. Sometimes I just wish it wouldn’t take so long, and that there weren’t so many sharp turns and bumps in the road!

If you are in a similar boat, don’t worry because you are not alone. God is near to you and He knows what you are struggling with. He cares, and He is waiting for you to surrender, and find peace and ultimate fulfillment in Him. It is something that I have to work on everyday! Sometimes it seems like a never ending journey filled with failure, but God forgives us and urges us to get back on the right track through scripture, church, and people. 🙂 In my next blog I ll go into a little more detail about some of the amazing people I have met, my hobbies, and the main goals that I have for myself here in Fort Rucker. Honestly, I have been really wanting to get back into dancing, I just haven’t yet and thats something that I still have a great passion for. Anyways I hope ya’ll are enjoying my blog that should really be named “Keeping Up With Summer” lol! Love ya’ll and can’t wait to tell you more about everything God is doing in my life during this unique season. 🙂

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!

2 Corinthians 5:17