Wow, its been a while since I have written! I can’t believe how fast the time goes, especially when you are gearing up to move. You know, if I was talking to 21 year old me right now, and told her that she would someday live on the Oregon Coast, then North Carolina, THEN Alabama with her future husband, my 21 year old self would be absolutely shocked, and I wouldn’t believe it. I probably would have freaked out, but then I also would have been sort of excited for the future adventure.

Its insane how Nick and I have moved three times in the last couple years. As difficult as it has been, it has taught me so much about life, and about myself. I have always known that I am not a patient person, but these moving experiences have really shown me just how impatient I am. My struggle with depression was quite rough when Nick was gone for 5 months, and during that time I took on a lot more than I could chew in an attempt to keep my mind busy, and off of my annoying feelings. However I often felt overwhelmed, exhausted, and constantly unhappy with my performance, which led me into a deeper pit of depression at times.

But there were many beautiful moments and experiences that I had with people that I bonded with during my short time in North Carolina. I bonded with some incredible people at my church, including my pastor and his family. I also made some lifelong friends at the Coast Guard Exchange that really encouraged me, laughed with me, worked hard beside me, and taught me how to appreciate what I had in front of me.

When I look back at that period of isolation, I wish that I would have gotten more out of it. And when I say that, I really mean that I wish I would have slowed down, spent more time with the Lord, and focused more on improving myself instead of taking my mind off of myself and my situation. I guess my solution was to distract myself from my loneliness, depression, and feelings of inadequacy, when I really should have stopped, given those feelings to the Lord, and focused on self-healing.

In Sarah Young’s new devotional, entitled Jesus Listens, she talks about an experience she had in the introduction where her kids were traveling to Australia by themselves. She was very worried about them making this long trip, and it was constantly on her mind. As a result she was always praying about it. However she began to realize that her prayers were being fueled by constant worrying, and so she sought to change the way that she prayed. When she asked God for a better way, God helped her realize how she was constantly voicing her “concerns over and over, instead of thanking Him for how He WAS answering her prayers”.

In her words, thankfulness and praise go together extremely well, and I honestly had forgotten that. During my time alone, I was SO focused on the things in my life that I didn’t think were going well… I mean I think I still am and that its a work in progress. Its crazy how much time can be wasted on worrying and panicking and trying so hard to make things go the way you want them to go… and that was what I was doing. But I also would do the opposite and waste time when I got too overwhelmed or burdened with the tasks that I had put on myself. Worrying and constantly working towards goals does get some things done, don’t get me wrong. But more often, it creates an endless, twisted cycle where we end up feeling worn out, burnt out, and back to the miserable and overwhelmed place that we were at in the beginning.

What I realized too late was this: Thankfulness and praise give you an overwhelming sense of peace when you actually take the time to thank and praise the Lord for everything that He has done and is doing in your life. Instead, I took to worrying and performing better in my own life, thinking that I could make myself better with my own accomplishments and productivity. I mean, I still struggle with this every day, and its just how the world works sadly. The world values what we do and produce. It doesn’t really value how we are doing, which is why we have to be constantly valuing our wellbeing ourselves. But sometimes, juggling the two is a herculean feat. Especially for me.

My mom always says, “No one is going to take care of you if you don’t take care of yourself.” And you know, that is so true. People, in my experience, always fail me, and I am always failing people. But if I don’t take the time to look at myself, seek out the Lord, and put my wellbeing before productivity, then no one else will. The only one that you can ever rely on to fulfill you and heal you is the Lord Jesus Christ, and thats a fact. However its a constant struggle for me to sit, read His word, thank and praise Him for all that He has done and is doing when this world just keeps getting crazier and crazier by the day.

God offers unlimited grace, and thats also something I struggle to remember. But its hard to accept God’s grace when you feel like you are never doing as well as you want to do. This is my constant struggle, and I know that I am definitely not alone in this! Moving forward I am excited to work on myself, my relationship with the Lord, and share with you all my experiences and adventures here in Alabama and beyond!

I love you all so much, and appreciate everyone who showed me support, encouragement, and love during my time alone; it helped me more than you know! I really look forward to sharing more with you all soon 🙂