Hey ya’ll, I know its been a while since my last post. Life has been a little hectic lately with Nick leaving for the Army and all. It has been one week since Nick left, and I can honestly say that it hasn’t been as bad as I thought it would be. However, it has definitely been a challenge. I find myself missing Nick most terribly everyday. This home, while lovely, is so empty without him. Thankfully, I have been given a temporary raise and full time position at my current job, which should help me take my mind off of missing him even more. I have also acquired an online job writing articles for a game guide company, which I have very much enjoyed 🙂 In addition, I also have my crazy almost two year old puppy Kobe, and my cuddly three year old cat Charlie to take care of. Also… constant chores and house upkeep. So, needless to say, I have my hands full.

This first week has opened my eyes to a few things. First thing: Generating motivation is extremely hard when you are lonely. If you, my reader, have read my previous posts, you know already that I struggle with anxiety, depression, and motivation, which are all exacerbated by my thyroid disease. Motivation has been even harder for me these days. Lately, I have been realizing how much Nick helped me feel motivated, loved, and encouraged. I find myself even missing our arguments, and his pesky reminders to turn off the lights, fans, and doors. I miss his smile, his embrace, and his butt-headed-ness even more these days. But mostly, I miss his smile. It’s just my absolute favorite, especially in hard times.

Second: I have realized how busy I try to keep myself, despite my struggle with being motivated. Lately though, I have been doing everything that makes me feel like I am being productive so that I can make up for those times (which are many) when I feel cruelly unmotivated. Its like I am constantly playing catch up, which can be a very demoralizing and overwhelming feeling. This feeling can then make me feel even more unmotivated and depressed sometimes depending on how unproductive I have been. It is a vicious cycle that creates a pattern of hyper anxiety, bad sleep, and depression.

Finally and thirdly: I have realized just how much I neglect the Lord in all of this. I wouldn’t say that I never think about him or ask for his help, but I don’t trust him enough to get me my through my tough times. Most of the time, my solution is to try and be more productive so that I can feel better about myself. This solution never works though, because no matter what I do its never enough to make me feel satisfied with myself. Spending time with the Lord is always something that gets curbed, which is exactly what the enemy wants. If I forget the Lord enough, then I will stay in this unmotivated, depressed, and anxious state and I will quickly deteriorate. Therefore it is crucial that I do not forget the Lord in all of this, and believe you me its a constant struggle. I am always battling my inner insecurities and demons, but what I can say is this: God never leaves. He is always there, just waiting for me to turn to him. I am so often caught up in my own feelings and insecurities that I lose sight of the one that can truly make me feel satisfied.

What the world deems as most important is never what is most important. For me, it’s been making enough money to sustain myself, and being the most productive that I can be. Seeking the Lord and his counsel, marinating in his presence is the most unpopular activity in this world. I have become much too influenced by the world these days. I need so much more of the Lord and his presence in my life. This is the most important thing that I have realized, and I am convinced that if I can get better at it, then all my other feelings, problems, anxieties, insecurities, will quickly fade away.

It’s interesting though how much of life is tragedy and hard times, and the good or bad that comes out of them. In my life there has been bad, but so much more good has come out of those bad times than bad. Sometimes though, I feel like I am being swallowed whole, and that I can’t get out of those hard times no matter how hard I try. The constant fear of failure is always at my side, while the Lord is just a figure in the shadows. If you have ever felt the same way, or if you do feel the same way, I encourage you to not lose heart. I feel as though I lose heart daily, but like I said: The Lord never leaves you. He hears you, he feels you, and he loves you more than you know. He helps you the most when you cling to him, no matter what the world says and no matter how you are feeling. It is an uphill battle down here, theres no doubt about it, but because of what Jesus has done on the cross, we can already call ourselves victorious no matter where we are in life, as long as we believe in him.

Week two has started, and I am hoping that it gets easier before it gets harder. Thank you all so much for your encouragement and prayers, please do keep them coming. I will be updating this blog as the weeks go by. I am looking forward to sharing more of my journey with ya’ll 🙂

And if the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead is living in you, he who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies because of his Spirit who lives in you. Romans 8:11