Lately, I have been dreading the future. I often dread the next day because that means I am one day closer to losing my husband for 4-5 months. Nick will be leaving in November, which… is scary close. He will be going to Army boot camp in Missouri, and attending school for the WOFT program in Alabama. While I am very excited for him and his new adventure that he has worked so hard to get, I often find my heart heavy. I don’t think any woman in my position would be saying, “Wow I just can’t wait until my husband leaves so that I can be alone!” Unless, of course, you are someone who thrives in that kind of situation… and well if thats the case then 1. You might be slightly crazy, and 2. Please teach me your ways.

I would definitely not characterize myself as someone who is excited about change. I don’t really see change as an opportunity to embark on a new adventure, or discover something new about myself. I more view it as, “Wow thats just a huge pain in my rear end.” I don’t welcome change, I fear change… especially if it has to do with being by myself for long periods of time. When I was growing up, I was definitely the most independent of my three sisters because I didn’t really fit in with them. I was a nerdy and shy tom boy, loved video games, and was always focused on my grades in school. In fact, I was much closer to my brother than my two sisters. Being alone back then wasn’t that bad. If anything, it was the feeling of not fitting in (or being the oddball), that hurt me the most. I always had a hard time finding people that understood my humor, had similar interests as me, and had the same conservative Christian values as me. Honestly, that struggle has not changed. But when you find the love of your life that understands you and loves you more than most, it is hard to just let them go especially if you are someone like me who has a hard time finding friends. I think that God is teaching me more and more these days how to rely on Him and Him alone, especially when friends that I thought I could rely and depend on are just not there. Relying on the Lord and his love and fulfillment is something I am REALLY going to have to improve on going into this season of “singleness” and self-improvement.

When Nick and I were coming home from the Outer Banks the other day, I looked up at a billboard that surprisingly had a Bible verse on it. The verse was 2 Timothy 1:7: “For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.” Do you, my reader, think that God can speak to people through a billboard? I honestly think that sometimes He does. In this moment, I knew He was speaking to me because of how often I had been stressing about Nick leaving. I have also just been worried about Nick in general, and how he is going to be broken by the Army. Most people that I have shared my concerns with just say, “He chose this, don’t feel bad for him. He is going to be just fine.” In my head, I am slapping these people square across the face. 1. How do you know that he is going to be “just fine”?, and 2. You aren’t his significant other, so you don’t care about Him like I do. 3. I know that Nick is capable of handling it, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t worry about his spiritual, emotional, and physical well-being. Any wife that loves her husband deeply would.

But God has been watching these thoughts of mine, and I know that He understands my pain. This verse spoke volumes to me, and continues to be my constant comfort these days. The idea of replacing my fear with power and love is especially poignant. Love and power are from God, but fear is NEVER from God, and I have had to really remind myself of this. I sometimes think that God uses fear to bring us back to Him, but that is not his character. Instead, He allows us to experience fear so that we can learn how to overcome it with His power and love. However, in order to receive this power and love, I have had to tune into His presence A LOT more. I have realized that when I feel the most discouraged and downtrodden about life, I am usually not tuned into the Lord’s presence enough, or really at all. Its an act that I have to constantly remind myself to do because the world is always trying to pull me away from God, and stomp all over me with to-do lists, rejected applications, chores… you name it. I am always having to remind myself, in the midst of life’s constant curve-balls, that God is the most important, and that clinging to Him is how I will get through it. Clinging to people, as I have experienced SO many times, will only get you so far. People tend to always disappoint and fall short, which sometimes makes me fall into deeper discouragement and depression. But what I have had to remind myself of also is that this is natural. People weren’t meant to fulfill other people completely, only God can do that. He literally has to remind me of that periodically at this point because of how often I forget.

I know that I am not the only one that forgets. We all fall short, and we all disappoint one another; I know I have disappointed my friends just as much if not more than they have disappointed me. But my main message today is this: God wants us to replace fear with is power and love, but it takes work. It doesn’t just come overnight, and it doesn’t come after reading scripture once. Its a day-to-day routine that we need to do consistently to feel His presence, and receive His power and love. Even though this routine falls through the cracks more often than not, God is quick to show his grace and compassion because He knows how hard life is. Showing me that verse on that billboard was His way of reminding me of His presence, and reassuring me of His love for me. I pray that you, my reader, will be encouraged by my experience, and will know just how much the Lord cares for and loves you no matter what season you are going through. 🙂